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Warning: Please look up and become familiar with the term “Scathing Sarcasm” prior to reading.
1. Post something on your wall every 30 minutes to ensure people get to see your awesome icon every time they look at their news feed.
2. Never answer anyone who posts on your wall. Your wall is all about you, it’s not a place for helping people and answering silly questions like “Where can I buy your awesome product?”
3. When someone posts a negative comment on your page, just delete it. No one will notice and point it out to all your followers. Promise.
4. Be sure to link your Facebook page and your Twitter page so you only have to post in one place! It always thrills Facebookers to see @Imtotallyawesome and #itsallaboutme.
5. Never post any pictures. Everyone is saying 2011 is the year pictures will become obsolete.
6. Monitoring the social community is overrated. You don’t really need to know when people are saying super awesome things about you. Saying “Thank you” is so 2010.
7. If you have employees, make sure they are not allowed on the page. We wouldn’t want any experts or implication of human life on your page. People love connecting to robots on social networks.
8. Post things that are totally unrelated to your company and brand. When that big manly man goes to look at your hardware page, he is for sure going to want to know about those really cute jackets you found for your tiny dog with the lace on them.
9. Be sure to include the full link in your post. Don’t use link shorteners like bit.ly, ht.ly or ow.ly to make your posts look better and fit in the character limit. Also, try not to make them linkable so people have to take the time to copy and paste it into their search bar.
10. When you post your well thought out and planned posts, be sure to do it and random times of the day like 3 am when no one is on. Why compete in the news feed at 10am or 2pm when everyone is actually looking at their page.
11. Never set goals, goals are for things like soccer and hockey. There is no room for goals in social media.
Bonus: Finally, when someone says something negative about your company, just call them an idiot.
Obviously, these things are the opposite of what you need to do to keep your social media pages populated with actual fans instead of an angry mob posting mean things on your page. What are some major fails you have seen on social pages?
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